you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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