Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My hand turned me down
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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