Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
