one two three fourrrrnication!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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