oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
