the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
