I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
