I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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