im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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