Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
