i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
