Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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