You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
