theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
