Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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