Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
