How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
