i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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