So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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