Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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