The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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