Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
