so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
