I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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