just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
