My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
