you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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