"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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