i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
