i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My balls are so social today.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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