the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
