I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
