Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
