Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
