Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
