is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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