I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
