if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
