She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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