Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
