all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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