4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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