i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
