mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she peed on how many people?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
