i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How drunk are you?
Completed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
