he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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