the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
