my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
