Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
