I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
